Kenneth Bernard
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A blank stage except for the VENTRILOQUIST’s set-up. All three characters should appear to be dummies. The VENTRILOQUIST is a mature male. On his lap, a female DUMMY, about 30, intellectual, primly dressed, glasses, etc. In her lap, another dummy, named VERONICA, younger, clown-like, brash, frizzy hair, sensual, etc. All are within life-size dimensions. Their movements, and often their speech, are jerky, clipped, nasal, and unreal. It should be unclear who really is or is not a dummy. Before they begin speaking, various dummy movements.
VENTRILOQUIST
You probably wish you could kill me. (Brittle laugh) Don’t you wish you could kill me? Tell the audience you wish you could kill me.
DUMMY
I probably wish I could kill you.
VENTRILOQUIST
Probably?
DUMMY
You said it. I didn’t
VENTRILOQUIST
Well, give me your true feeling.
DUMMY
Not probably. Certainly. I will kill you. I’m sick of your arrogance and manipulation.
(She laughs)
VENTRILOQUIST
You’re a wicked girl. Wicked, wicked, wicked.
DUMMY
How you suck on that “wicked.”
VENTRILOQUIST
That wasn’t necessary.
DUMMY
That wasn’t necessary.
VENTRILOQUIST
Stop that.
(Silence)
You can speak.
DUMMY
Who knows what’s necessary?
VENTRILOQUIST
My, my, my, aren’t we getting serious.
(Silence)
And sensitive, too, aren’t we?
DUMMY
When I have to pee, that’s necessary. When you say it’s necessary I shouldn’t speak, that’s a matter of opinion.
(Speaking to her dummy)
Isn’t that right, Veronica?
VENTRILOQUIST
Veronica?
DUMMY
You haven’t met Veronica?
VENTRILOQUIST
She’s quite a looker. Is she a leaker, too? (He laughs)
VERONICA
Ass-hole.
VENTRILOQUIST
What?
VERONICA
And you’re a doll, Buster, a real block-buster doll. You want your nuts squeezed?
(The DUMMY laughs)
VENTRILOQUIST
(To DUMMY) You’re full of surprises. So now you’re in business for yourself?
DUMMY
Absolutely. I’m taking my show on the road.
VENTRILOQUIST
I don’t recall being asked.
DUMMY
I don’t need to ask any more.
VENTRILOQUIST
Don’t need to be asked any more? Oh, really. (He laughs) And how does Veronica feel about that?
VERONICA
Veronica is thrilled, you skunk cabbage.
DUMMY
Veronica prefers to speak of herself in the third person.
VENTRILOQUIST
Oh? Why is that?
DUMMY
Objectivity. She wants to see herself without illusion.
VENTRILOQUIST
I’ll give her an ax, then.
VERONICA
And Veronica thinks you’re an ass!
(The DUMMY laughs)
VENTRILOQUIST
Stop that, you fool.
DUMMY
Oh, no, no, no. Listen. You’ve got to realize we’re past all that. You can’t tell me when and when not to laugh. Besides, now that I’ve got Veronica, we’re two against one.
VENTRILOQUIST
(Laughing) Oh, really? Two dummies? Who do you think gave you Veronica?
(The DUMMY and VERONICA stare at him)
Why are you staring at me?
DUMMY
Because you’re a fool, of course. Do you think that because you have given me voice that I don’t exist? How do you think Veronica came to be?
VENTRILOQUIST
Because I made her.
(VERONICA laughs shrilly)
VERONICA
Veronica thinks you are a ass! Would you like me to fuck you? Would you like me to bite off your toes?
VENTRILOQUIST
(Uncomfortably, to the DUMMY) And I made you, too.
DUMMY
Did you? Did you really?
VENTRILOQUIST
How do you think you speak?
DUMMY
How do you think you speak?
VENTRILOQUIST
(After a pause) I think this may be getting quite nasty.
VERONICA
(Muttering) Ass-hole.
VENTRILOQUIST
Make her stop that. I mean—
DUMMY
I know what you mean. Do you?
VENTRILOQUIST
You know only what I want you to know.
VERONICA
(Gleefully) The gentleman is an ass.
(She laughs shrilly)
VENTRILOQUIST
(To VERONICA) And what would you say if I simply tore you to bits, you runt?
Pulled your legs apart.
(A mock-scream from VERONICA)
DUMMY
I don’t think VERONICA is really very frightened of you, or anything you might say, or think. She’s also pregnant.
VENTRILOQUIST
Pregnant? By whom?
VERONICA
Who do you think, buddy?
(She laughs. The VENTRILOQUIST laughs, but a bit uncertainly)
Hey, shut your yap or I’ll stuff a turtle turd in it.
(She laughs again. The VENTRILOQUIST does not)
DUMMY
Oh, don’t be so shocked. Veronica runs a little wild. She’s…quite removed from us, from you and me. There’s never any telling what she will do.
VENTRILOQUIST
(After a pause) I don’t think I like Veronica. (Pause) I don’t think I’ll recognize Veronica. I don’t think I’ll recognize you.
(Screeching laughter from VERONICA)
I never even named her Veronica, you know.
(More laughter from VERONICA)
DUMMY
I named her Veronica.
VENTRILOQUIST
Without my permission? Without my—
(VERONICA laughs again)
Must she laugh like that?
DUMMY
Like what?
VENTRILOQUIST
Like…It’s vulgar. Hyena-ish.
VERONICA
Crap! Crap!
DUMMY
Listen, Hank—
VENTRILOQUIST
Hank? I’m Hank now?
DUMMY
I’ve decided to call you Hank.
(The VENTRILOQUIST laughs)
Are you done? Good. We might as well get this straight. Once you speak, you don’t call the shots any more.
VENTRILOQUIST
What do you mean?
DUMMY
You had me created?
VENTRILOQUIST
Yes, I am your creator.
DUMMY
And you put words in my mouth?
VENTRILOQUIST
Yes. From the beginning.
DUMMY
Well, after that, I exist. I come from beneath your words. You speak your words, but you do not control them.
VENTRILOQUIST
Oh, really.
VERONICA
(Mocking) Oh, really. Oh, really.
VENTRILOQUIST
I never bargained for her.
(VERONICA laughs)
VERONICA
The gentleman is an ass.
VENTRILOQUIST
If you don’t shut her up, I’ll pull off her head.
DUMMY
Would you? Will you? It might be dangerous.
VENTRILOQUIST
She’s your creation, not mine. Remember? Dangerous for you, perhaps.
DUMMY
If you so much as touch Veronica, I’ll kill you. If she doesn’t, of course.
(The VENTRILOQUIST laughs, but uneasily)
VENTRILOQUIST
Oh, that’s rich. You? Without me you couldn’t even pee. Anyway, I thought I had already touched her. Isn’t that what you, or she, implied?
VERONICA
Pig!
VENTRILOQUIST
You see?
DUMMY
Let me explain things again to you. Yes, Veronica is pregnant and you are the father. But I made Veronica, and you have no paternal rights. You almost don’t even exist. And if you pull off her head, I’ll see to it that your liver gets ripped out.
VENTRILOQUIST
But that’s absurd. If not for me, you wouldn’t even be here. And she—
DUMMY
Don’t be obtuse. It’s all too late. I already am here. You could no more take me back than you could slit your throat and not bleed.
VENTRILOQUIST
Must we have all these bloody images?
DUMMY
Yes. They’re necessary.
VERONICA
(Screaming) Ohh! Ohh! I dreamt my head was being pulled off!
DUMMY
I don’t believe that was my image.
VENTRILOQUIST
It was a figure of speech. I merely meant—
DUMMY
Listen. I’m really quite civilized. Veronica’s the nightmare. You must see that.
VENTRILOQUIST
Well…yes. She is rather a nightmare.
DUMMY
Do you appreciate that?
VENTRILOQUIST
Well, yes. Of course. But…where is all this going?
DUMMY
I’ll tell you where this is going. Once you gave me voice, you gave me power over you. I have crept into being from your words without your knowing. I have always been there, but hidden.
VENTRILOQUIST
But I could destroy you, chop you into—
DUMMY
Another of my bloody images? You’re wrong—dead wrong. You cannot destroy me. Not without loss. Destroy me and you could lose your tongue. I am the alien in you.—And what about Veronica?
VENTRILOQUIST
Veronica?
DUMMY
Of course. She’d be out there. Like a vengeful ghost. Some words, when let loose, are always lost. No one knows where they will land. Veronica is dangerous, more than you can know. Veronica is free. She flits like poison.
VERONICA
(Gleefully) Veronica the vengeful ghost. The gentleman is an ass. Help! Help! He raped me!
(She laughs)
DUMMY
I’m too kind to tell you what Veronica can do if she wishes.
VENTRILOQUIST
You mean this isn’t her worst? You’re not flirting with me, are you?
(The DUMMY laughs)
DUMMY
Veronica can explode your head, if she wishes. Veronica precedes you.
VERONICA
Explode your head! Explode your head! Boom! Boom! Tell him about the knives! ell him about the knives!
VENTRILOQUIST
What about the knives?
DUMMY
Veronica can be very sweet, too.
VERONICA
Hey, Mr. Ventriloquist-man, you want to fuck? I can do it anywhere you like.
Help! Help! He’s raping me! Oh, what a baby I’m gonna have.
VENTRILOQUIST
(To the DUMMY) You have a distinctly odd sense of humor.
DUMMY
(Slowly facing him) Do we?
VENTRILOQUIST
(Slowly) Yes, we do.
(The DUMMY laughs)
DUMMY
That was hard, wasn’t it? The we? It doesn’t slide.
VENTRILOQUIST
I don’t think I like you.
DUMMY
Nor I you. In fact, I despise you.
VENTRILOQUIST
You mean, we’re antagonists, then.
DUMMY
Of course. You’re hopeless. You’re empty.
VENTRILOQUIST
But I can still make you what I like.
DUMMY
No. You do sound like a broken record. I’m going to have to let Veronica loose on you soon. The operative word is broken. You think, in creating me, that you exercise power. But you only release power. You create another power to oppose you. You create my voice, but you are not master of it. You are not the master of your own voice. Unwittingly, from your unrecognized fears, you have given me voice, freed me from my long prison. But I was there from the beginning, scratching always at the walls.
VENTRILOQUIST
(Suddenly strangling her) Then how about this? (He laughs) Are you scratching now? From the beginning? I tell you, you are mine! Mine! Forever!
(VERONICA screams)
VERONICA
Save her! Save her! I’m being raped! My baby! My baby!
(The VENTRILOQUIST releases the DUMMY)
VENTRILOQUIST
(Gagging as he tries to speak) A little…lesson in mastery. Yes…mastery.
VERONICA
(Laughing shrilly) Dumkopf! Idiot! Child-molester! Veronica is not pleased! Veronica is not pleased!
DUMMY
(Smiling) So. You’ve decided to give me a reprieve?
VENTRILOQUIST
(Clearing his throat) Yes.
(The DUMMY gives him a resounding slap)
DUMMY
Take that, you villain.
(VERONICA laughs. The VENTRILOQUIST is shocked)
VENTRILOQUIST
But…But…Why did you—? How—?
DUMMY
Fair is fair. I’m giving you a reprieve also. Find your own ventriloquist.
(They stare at each other)
Would you like to repeat after me?
VENTRILOQUIST
Why should I?
VERONICA
(Screaming) Do it, do it, you ass-hole! (She laughs) I’ll ram you with a Spanish Armada, a can of cockroach juice, an amputated leg!
DUMMY
Veronica is angry with you.
VENTRILOQUIST
(Repeating) Veronica is angry with you.
DUMMY
That’s really very good.
VERONICA
Gut the bastard! Sever his—! Coagulate him!
DUMMY
(To VERONICA, comforting her) Hush, baby. I know you’re hurting. I know you have to let it out. Can’t help yourself. But try to modulate. You’re going to scare people. Remember, we’ve got to pay the rent.
VERONICA
Veronica wants to scare people. Veronica wants renal failure! Bowel-block! Blood-flood! I want that man to poop frogs in his pants!
VENTRILOQUIST
Does she mean me? Am I the object of her mad desire? (He snickers)
DUMMY
She does indeed mean you.
VENTRILOQUIST
I fail utterly to understand her animus. Has she no gratitude? No memory?
(VERONICA laughs shrilly)
DUMMY
No. She is freed of memory. (Gently) Repeat after me. I am the boogieman.
(He repeats, almost trance-like)
VENTRILOQUIST
I am the boogieman.
DUMMY
The child in the dummy’s dummy’s womb is mine.
VENTRILOQUIST
The child in the dummy’s dummy’s womb is mine.
DUMMY
It will have two heads.
VERONICA
Hey, wait a minute—
VENTRILOQUIST
It will have two heads.
DUMMY
I will disown it. It will disown me.
VENTRILOQUIST
I will disown it. It will disown me.
DUMMY
It will kill me. It will kill me.
VERONICA
Now you’re talking, bro.
VENTRILOQUIST
It will kill me. It will— (Himself again) Unless I abort it. (He laughs)
VERONICA
Huh? — Police! Polizia! Monster on the loose! Monster on the loose!
DUMMY
That wasn’t very nice of you.
VENTRILOQUIST
It’s not a very nice game you’re playing.
DUMMY
It’s not a game.
VENTRILOQUIST
I don’t like being toyed with.
DUMMY
I’ve tried to tell you. I am not your toy, and so I can toy with you.
VENTRILOQUIST
I reject your premise.
DUMMY
You can’t. It’s too late.
VENTRILOQUIST
Oh, but I can.
VERONICA
(Mocking) Oh, but I can. It’s not too late.
DUMMY
How?
VENTRILOQUIST
Like this!
(He strangles her. VERONICA provides the DUMMY’S death screams and gasps.
The DUMMY becomes limp, as does VERONICA)
You girls simply don’t understand how things are. I make this show. And I plot it any way I like. (He laughs loudly)
(VERONICA slowly lifts her head)
VERONICA
Slut-face!
VENTRILOQUIST
What?
VERONICA
Dog shit!
VENTRILOQUIST
Lie down! You’re dead!
(VERONICA shrieks laughter. Silence. They stare at each other)
You’re dead. You’re dead. Don’t you understand?
VERONICA
No. She’s dead. I’m alive. And now it’s just we two. We’re alone.
VENTRILOQUIST
I forbid it!
(VERONICA laughs shrilly)
VERONICA
You can’t. You can’t! (She gasps suddenly) Oh! I’m—I’m—in labor! (She begins the sounds of her labor) She’s coming! The two-headed fetus is coming! The baby with two heads is coming for you!
VENTRILOQUIST
No! No!
VERONICA
Push! Ahh! Push! Ahh!…Oh, what teeth!
VENTRILOQUIST
I can’t reach you! Die, you freak! Die like your creator—
(He gasps suddenly. VERONICA laughs)
VERONICA
She’s coming to get you! Ahh! The two-headed monster is coming to get you!
Ahh! Ahh! Push, Veronica, push!
(The VENTRILOQUIST is stricken)
VENTRILOQUIST
Oh, my god! What have I… said!
VERONICA
(Laughing wildly) Mein gott! Mein gott! Ahh! Push! Push! Out! Out! Ahh!…
VENTRILOQUIST
I can’t—I can’t—
(He collapses)
VERONICA
PUSH! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ohh, out at last! She’s out!
(Silence. She looks at the VENTRILOQUIST, then at the audience. Speaking slowly as the lights close to her head)
Shit-head. Butt-wipe. Cunt-face. Prick. I’m gonna fly! (She giggles) This baby’s gonna live! Oh, how this baby’s gonna live!
(She laughs softly as the light fades)
Kenneth Bernard is a playright, poet, fiction writer, and collagist who lives in New York City. His most recent volume is The Man in the Stretcher (Starcherone Books, 2005).
This story is included in issue #41: Freak. Copyright © 2008 by Fiction International. Authors of individual works retain copyright, with the restriction that subsequent publication of any text be accompanied by notice of prior publication in Fiction International. Please contact the editor for reprinting information.
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