All rights reserved.<\/b><\/p>\n
A blank stage except for the VENTRILOQUIST’s set-up. All three characters should appear to be dummies. The VENTRILOQUIST is a mature male. On his lap, a female DUMMY, about 30, intellectual, primly dressed, glasses, etc. In her lap, another dummy, named VERONICA, younger, clown-like, brash, frizzy hair, sensual, etc. All are within life-size dimensions. Their movements, and often their speech, are jerky, clipped, nasal, and unreal. It should be unclear who really is or is not a dummy. Before they begin speaking, various dummy movements.<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
You probably wish you could kill me. (Brittle laugh) Don’t you wish you could kill me? Tell the audience you wish you could kill me.<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
I probably wish I could kill you.<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
Probably?<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
You said it. I didn’t<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
Well, give me your true feeling.<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
Not probably. Certainly. I will kill you. I’m sick of your arrogance and manipulation.<\/p>\n
(She laughs)<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
You’re a wicked girl. Wicked, wicked, wicked.<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
How you suck on that “wicked.”<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
That wasn’t necessary.<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
That wasn’t necessary.<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
Stop that.<\/p>\n
(Silence)<\/p>\n
You can speak.<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
Who knows what’s necessary?<\/p>\n
VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n
My, my, my, aren’t we getting serious.<\/p>\n
(Silence)<\/p>\n
And sensitive, too, aren’t we?<\/p>\n
DUMMY<\/p>\n
When I have to pee, that’s necessary. When you say it’s necessary I shouldn’t speak, that’s a matter of opinion.<\/p>\n
(Speaking to her<\/em> dummy)<\/p>\n Isn’t that right, Veronica?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Veronica?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n You haven’t met Veronica?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n She’s quite a looker. Is she a leaker, too? (He laughs)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Ass-hole.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n What?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n And you’re a doll, Buster, a real block-buster doll. You want your nuts squeezed?<\/p>\n (The DUMMY laughs)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (To DUMMY) You’re full of surprises. So now you’re in business for yourself?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Absolutely. I’m taking my show on the road.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I don’t recall being asked.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I don’t need to ask any more.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Don’t need to be asked any more?<\/em> Oh, really. (He laughs) And how does Veronica feel about that?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Veronica is thrilled, you skunk cabbage.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Veronica prefers to speak of herself in the third person.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Oh? Why is that?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Objectivity. She wants to see herself without illusion.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I’ll give her an ax, then.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n And Veronica thinks you’re an ass!<\/p>\n (The DUMMY laughs)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Stop that, you fool.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Oh, no, no, no. Listen. You’ve got to realize we’re past all that. You can’t tell me when and when not to laugh. Besides, now that I’ve got Veronica, we’re two against one.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Laughing) Oh, really? Two dummies? Who do you think gave you Veronica?<\/p>\n (The DUMMY and VERONICA stare at him)<\/p>\n Why are you staring at me?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Because you’re a fool, of course. Do you think that because you have given me voice that I don’t exist? How do you think Veronica came to be?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Because I made her.<\/p>\n (VERONICA laughs shrilly)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Veronica thinks you are a ass! Would you like me to fuck you? Would you like me to bite off your toes?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Uncomfortably, to the DUMMY) And I made you, too.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Did you? Did you really?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n How do you think you speak?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n How do you think you speak?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (After a pause) I think this may be getting quite nasty.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Muttering) Ass-hole.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Make her stop that. I mean\u2014<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I know what you mean. Do you?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n You know only what I want you to know.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Gleefully) The gentleman is an ass.<\/p>\n (She laughs shrilly)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (To VERONICA) And what would you say if I simply tore you to bits, you runt?<\/p>\n Pulled your legs apart.<\/p>\n (A mock-scream from VERONICA)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I don’t think VERONICA is really very frightened of you, or anything you might say, or think. She’s also pregnant.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Pregnant? By whom?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Who do you think, buddy?<\/p>\n (She laughs. The VENTRILOQUIST laughs, but a bit uncertainly)<\/p>\n Hey, shut your yap or I’ll stuff a turtle turd in it.<\/p>\n (She laughs again. The VENTRILOQUIST does not)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Oh, don’t be so shocked. Veronica runs a little wild. She’s…quite removed from us, from you and me. There’s never any telling what she will do.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (After a pause) I don’t think I like Veronica. (Pause) I don’t think I’ll recognize Veronica. I don’t think I’ll recognize you.<\/p>\n (Screeching laughter from VERONICA)<\/p>\n I never even named her Veronica, you know.<\/p>\n (More laughter from VERONICA)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I<\/em> named her Veronica.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Without my permission? Without my\u2014<\/p>\n (VERONICA laughs again)<\/p>\n Must she laugh like that?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Like what?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Like…It’s vulgar. Hyena-ish.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Crap! Crap!<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Listen, Hank\u2014<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Hank? I’m Hank now?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I’ve decided to call you Hank.<\/p>\n (The VENTRILOQUIST laughs)<\/p>\n Are you done? Good. We might as well get this straight. Once you speak, you don’t call the shots any more.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n What do you mean?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n You had me created?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Yes, I am your creator.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n And you put words in my mouth?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Yes. From the beginning.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Well, after that, I exist. I come from beneath your words. You speak your words, but you do not control them.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Oh, really.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Mocking) Oh, really. Oh, really.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I never bargained for her<\/i>.<\/p>\n (VERONICA laughs)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n The gentleman is an ass.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n If you don’t shut her up, I’ll pull off her head.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Would you? Will you? It might be dangerous.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n She’s your creation, not mine. Remember? Dangerous for you, perhaps.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n If you so much as touch<\/em> Veronica, I’ll kill you. If she doesn’t, of course.<\/p>\n (The VENTRILOQUIST laughs, but uneasily)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Oh, that’s rich. You?<\/em> Without me you couldn’t even pee. Anyway, I thought I had already touched her. Isn’t that what you, or she, implied?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Pig!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n You see?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Let me explain things again to you. Yes, Veronica is pregnant and you are the father. But I made Veronica, and you have no paternal rights. You almost don’t even exist. And if you pull off her head, I’ll see to it that your liver gets ripped out.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n But that’s absurd. If not for me, you wouldn’t even be here. And she\u2014<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Don’t be obtuse. It’s all too late. I already am here. You could no more take me back than you could slit your throat and not bleed.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Must we have all these bloody images?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Yes. They’re necessary.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Screaming) Ohh! Ohh! I dreamt my head was being pulled off!<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I don’t believe that was my image.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n It was a figure of speech. I merely meant\u2014<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Listen. I’m really quite civilized. Veronica’s the nightmare. You must see that.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Well…yes. She is rather a nightmare.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Do you appreciate that?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Well, yes. Of course. But…where is all this going?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I’ll tell you where this is going. Once you gave me voice, you gave me power over you. I have crept into being from your words without your knowing. I have always been there, but hidden.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n But I could destroy you, chop you into\u2014<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Another of my bloody images? You’re wrong\u2014dead wrong<\/em>. You cannot destroy me. Not without loss. Destroy me and you could lose your tongue. I am the alien in you.\u2014And what about Veronica?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Veronica?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Of course. She’d be out there. Like a vengeful ghost. Some words, when let loose, are always lost. No one knows where they will land. Veronica is dangerous, more than you can know. Veronica is free. She flits like poison.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Gleefully) Veronica the vengeful ghost. The gentleman is an ass. Help! Help! He raped me!<\/p>\n (She laughs)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I’m too kind to tell you what Veronica can do if she wishes.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n You mean this isn’t her worst? You’re not flirting with me, are you?<\/p>\n (The DUMMY laughs)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Veronica can explode your head, if she wishes. Veronica precedes<\/em> you.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Explode your head! Explode your head! Boom! Boom! Tell him about the knives! ell him about the knives!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n What about the knives?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Veronica can be very sweet, too.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Hey, Mr. Ventriloquist-man, you want to fuck? I can do it anywhere you like.<\/p>\n Help! Help! He’s raping me! Oh, what a baby I’m gonna have.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (To the DUMMY) You have a distinctly odd sense of humor.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n (Slowly facing him) Do we?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Slowly) Yes, we do.<\/p>\n (The DUMMY laughs)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n That was hard, wasn’t it? The we<\/em>? It doesn’t slide.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I don’t think I like you<\/em>.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Nor I you. In fact, I despise you.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n You mean, we’re antagonists, then.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Of course. You’re hopeless. You’re empty.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n But I can still make you what I like.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n No. You do sound like a broken record. I’m going to have to let Veronica loose on you soon. The operative word is broken. You think, in creating me, that you exercise power. But you only release power. You create another power to oppose you. You create my voice, but you are not master of it. You are not the master of your own voice. Unwittingly, from your unrecognized fears, you have given me voice, freed me from my long prison. But I was there from the beginning, scratching always at the walls.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Suddenly strangling her) Then how about this? (He laughs) Are you scratching now? From the beginning? I tell you, you are mine! Mine! Forever!<\/p>\n (VERONICA screams)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Save her! Save her! I’m being raped! My baby! My baby!<\/p>\n (The VENTRILOQUIST releases the DUMMY)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Gagging as he tries to speak) A little…lesson in mastery. Yes…mastery.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Laughing shrilly) Dumkopf! Idiot! Child-molester! Veronica is not pleased! Veronica is not pleased!<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n (Smiling) So. You’ve decided to give me a reprieve?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Clearing his throat) Yes.<\/p>\n (The DUMMY gives him a resounding slap)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Take that, you villain.<\/p>\n (VERONICA laughs. The VENTRILOQUIST is shocked)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n But…But…Why did you\u2014? How\u2014?<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Fair is fair. I’m giving you a reprieve also. Find your own ventriloquist.<\/p>\n (They stare at each other)<\/p>\n Would you like to repeat after me?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Why should I?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Screaming) Do it, do it, you ass-hole! (She laughs) I’ll ram you with a Spanish Armada, a can of cockroach juice, an amputated leg!<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n Veronica is angry with you.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n (Repeating) Veronica is angry with you.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n That’s really very good.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Gut the bastard! Sever his\u2014! Coagulate him!<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n (To VERONICA, comforting her) Hush, baby. I know you’re hurting. I know you have to let it out. Can’t help yourself. But try to modulate. You’re going to scare people. Remember, we’ve got to pay the rent.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Veronica wants to scare people. Veronica wants renal failure! Bowel-block! Blood-flood!<\/em> I want that man to poop frogs in his pants!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Does she mean me? Am I the object of her mad desire? (He snickers)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n She does indeed mean you.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I fail utterly to understand her animus. Has she no gratitude? No memory?<\/p>\n (VERONICA laughs shrilly)<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n No. She is freed of memory. (Gently) Repeat after me. I am the boogieman.<\/p>\n (He repeats, almost trance-like)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I am the boogieman.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n The child in the dummy’s dummy’s womb is mine.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n The child in the dummy’s dummy’s womb is mine.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n It will have two heads.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Hey, wait a minute\u2014<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n It will have two heads.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I will disown it. It will disown me.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I will disown it. It will disown me.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n It will kill me. It will kill me.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Now you’re talking, bro.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n It will kill me. It will\u2014 (Himself again) Unless I abort it<\/em>. (He laughs)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Huh? \u2014 Police! Polizia! Monster on the loose! Monster on the loose!<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n That wasn’t very nice of you.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n It’s not a very nice game you’re playing.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n It’s not a game.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I don’t like being toyed with.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n I’ve tried to tell you. I am not your toy, and so I can toy with you.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I reject your premise.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n You can’t. It’s too late.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Oh, but I can.<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Mocking) Oh, but I can. It’s not too late.<\/p>\n DUMMY<\/p>\n How?<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Like this!<\/p>\n (He strangles her. VERONICA provides the DUMMY’S death screams and gasps.<\/p>\n The DUMMY becomes limp, as does VERONICA)<\/p>\n You girls simply don’t understand how things are. I make this show<\/em>. And I plot it any way I like. (He laughs loudly)<\/p>\n (VERONICA slowly lifts her head)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Slut-face!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n What?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Dog shit!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Lie down! You’re dead!<\/p>\n (VERONICA shrieks laughter. Silence. They stare at each other)<\/p>\n You’re dead. You’re dead. Don’t you understand?<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n No. She’s<\/em> dead. I’m<\/em> alive. And now it’s just we two. We’re alone.<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I forbid it!<\/p>\n (VERONICA laughs shrilly)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n You can’t. You can’t! (She gasps suddenly) Oh! I’m\u2014I’m\u2014in labor! (She begins the sounds of her labor) She’s coming! The two-headed fetus is coming! The baby with two heads is coming for you!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n No! No!<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n Push! Ahh! Push! Ahh!…Oh, what teeth!<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I can’t reach you! Die<\/em>, you freak! Die like your creator\u2014<\/p>\n (He gasps suddenly. VERONICA laughs)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n She’s coming to get you! Ahh! The two-headed monster is coming to get you!<\/p>\n Ahh! Ahh! Push, Veronica, push!<\/p>\n (The VENTRILOQUIST is stricken)<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n Oh, my god! What have I… said<\/em>!<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n (Laughing wildly) Mein gott! Mein gott! Ahh! Push! Push! Out! Out! Ahh!…<\/p>\n VENTRILOQUIST<\/p>\n I can’t\u2014I can’t\u2014<\/p>\n (He collapses)<\/p>\n VERONICA<\/p>\n PUSH! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ohh, out at last! She’s out!<\/p>\n (Silence. She looks at the VENTRILOQUIST, then at the audience. Speaking slowly as the lights close to her head)<\/p>\n Shit-head. Butt-wipe. Cunt-face. Prick. I’m gonna fly!<\/em> (She giggles) This baby’s gonna live! Oh, how this baby’s gonna live!<\/em><\/p>\n (She laughs softly as the light fades)<\/p>\nKenneth Bernard is a playright, poet, fiction writer, and collagist who lives in New York City. His most recent volume is <\/em>The Man in the Stretcher (Starcherone Books, 2005).<\/em><\/h4>\n
This story is included in issue #41: <\/em> Freak. Copyright \u00a9 2008 by <\/em>Fiction International. Authors of individual works retain copyright, with the restriction that subsequent publication of any text be accompanied by notice of prior publication in <\/em>Fiction International. Please contact the editor<\/a> for reprinting information.<\/em><\/h4>\n